Welcome back to the best Bachelor in Paradise recap you’ll ever speak! For those of you who thought ABC would hand us a brief reprieve from the grueling four-hour-a-week schedule of this godforsaken show just because of a little thing like a national holiday, well belief again bitch! If there’s one thing I known about the good beings over at ABC, it’s that they do their best work when their gathering is more sleep robbed and sunburnt than the opponents. In information, I am force-feeding myself wine as we talked, even though I’ve spent the last 72 hours guzzling White Claw and now the merely smell of alcohol sends a coldnes wintry down my spine. But ya know, how else are we to stand Nicole’s sad hopelessnes? Onward!

Last week , Krystal and The Goose got married, Dean dropped Caelynn for his van, Angela and Clay had a moment, and we found out that John Paul Jones, like, abhors our podcast or something. Which imparts us to this week: we open with Nicole telling the cameras that dating a adult for three weeks has changed her entire outlook on life. That is a bold testimony considering the most personal thing she knows about Clay is how many reps he can do with her sitting on his back while imbibing a margarita.

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